tengah malam buta (pagi buta?) bgini, why do I feel a bit mellow y..?

bingung where to start..

but I am missing him badly and deadly..

Feel like I am in a dream world.. and I don't wanna wake up..

ga pernah terpikir gw bisa ngerasa kayak bgini..

gw yakin banget perasaan itu udah gw kubur dalemm dalemm sedalem-dalemnya..

well,, dia muncul lagi skarang,,

dan gw nggak punya cukup keyakinan, komitmen, dan keberanian u/ melangkah lebih.. (pengecut kah..? terlalu idealis kah..? kapok kah..?)

ntah gimana, gw ngrasa nyaman dimintai tolong u/ nemenin dy..

waktu yang gw lewatin sama dia berasa cepat berlalu (padahal udah hitungan jam..)

jadi inget how the hug felt sooo comfortable..

pelukan yang last for only around 1 minute tapi bener2 bisa mencurahkan (setidaknya) perasaan kangenn gw ke dia..

i enjoyed every second of the hug..

coz i prepare myself if I lose him (again and again) for the next several years..

bingung sama perasaan sndiri,,

berada dalam peluknya..

ngrasa kangennnnn banget sama dia..

kayaknya udh gw keluarin rasa yang tertahan sesak di dada selama 3-4 taun belakangan ini.. (wew,, lama juga ya..)

jadi gw ini apa sebenernya semata2 cuma kangenn..

atw sebenernya masih ada rasa..?

-aRee-

baru aja gw menemukan suatu hal yang buat gw shock..!

baru pertama kali ada orang yang nge-delete gw dari friend-list FB.. (setau gw)

kenapa gw musti (sedikit banyak) kena getahnya..??

nggak yang direct,, nggak yang indirect,,

gw kehilangan 1 demi 1 teman gara2 masalah hati..?

oh my.. salah apa coba gw..??

is it wrong to have a feeling towards other..?

perasaan itu muncul tanpa diundang.. dan nggak tau juga kenapa perasaan itu masih tetap ada..

I know it is wrong for sure to still-go-for-a-relationship-that-sum1-does-not-really-really-really-into-it..

Kalau gw bisa punya kesempatan untuk ngomong sama orang itu,

mungkin gw akan bilang:

DIA SAYANG LU..

Lu pernah (dan bahkan skarang pun masih) jadi bagian di dalam hati dia..

Lu beda dari mantan2 dia yang sebelumnya..

Lu orang pertama yang menikmati pacaran layaknya orang pacaran sama dia..

Treasure it, please..

Bahkan gw pun belum pernah menikmati hal2 kayak gtu..

Betapa gw ngiri sama lu bisa melewati sebegitu panjang waktu sama dia..

Ditemenin secara langsung waktu lagi BT..

Ditemenin secara langsung sampe malem waktu lagi butuh org untuk nemenin.. Diperhatiin nggak boleh ini nggak boleh itu secara langsung..

Dipeluk dibelai diberi kasih sayang secara langsung..

Memang gw tau sangat menyakitkan buat lu untuk tau hal yang sebenarnya..

dan gw juga sadar banget dan tau banget kalo dia udah mengambil langkah yang SALAH..

gw tau banget perasaan lu karena gw pun pernah mengalami hal itu..

sakiiittt bangettt...

dan gw juga nggak bisa nuntut lu untuk segera balik normal..

karena hal itu nggak semudah ngomong atw ngebalik telapak tangan..

isn't it better to stop it now before it becomes more and more hurting..?

both of u get hurt..

stopping it does hurt..

but not stopping it won't get both of u any benefit too in the long term..

I believe u understand all of these well..

now it is the time accepting it and facing it..

believe that u are so strong to face this, coz u are..

u still have lots of fantastic friends beside u..

If ur love does not work with that person,

it just means that someone else loves u more..

If u already give ur best during ur relationship with him,,

then be brave to let him go,,

he won't forget u..

u'll always be inside his heart..

no one can replace ur part (even me)..

u'll be a sweet memory inside him..

When u give ur heart 100% to other people,

they surely can feel that 100% of heart even if they dont say a word;

and so does he..

I say all of these none of my ego and benefit..

So sorry if I become indirect reason of this..

I really don't mean it..

I really hope that we can be friend forever..

not limited by time, place or situation and condition..

Be Brave..

Let Time Heals it..

gw sungguh berharap everything get better soon..

jadi inget kata2 peni:

kenapa ya gw selalu punya banyak hen-na-kankei (arti: hubungan yang aneh)..?

karma di kehidupan yang lalu terlalu baik atw terlalu buruk..?

gw-ny kecentilan..? gw-ny kegatelan..? gw-ny terlalu jahat..? gw-ny nggak berperasaan..? gw-ny aneh..? gw-nya pelawak..? gw-ny.........?

anybody has any ideas/ opinions..?

-aRee-

Resolution for 2010

悔いの無い就職活動

Finish my up-coming thesis

Get a cum GPA of 3.5

Exercise more

(at least 20x of swimming --> an average of 2x/ month)

Be more sensitive

-aRee-

The Beginning of 2010

it's been 3 days since my 'holiday' in jakarta...

and it's been a total 3 days of spending time with him..

yang juga merupakan waktu yang (menurut gw) paling pol ketemuan..

abis biasanya sulit karena ini dan itu..

rasanya nano-nano..

senang dan bahagia:

karena bisa berjumpa..

karena bisa ber-chit-chat seenaknya dalam durasi yang cukup lama

karena bisa melakukan hal di atas directly..

sedih dan miris:

karena mendengar cerita dari dia yang buat gw ngerasa nggak enak banget (walau gw tau banget kalo nggak ada hubungannya ama gw..)

karena sadar ntah berapa lama lagi gw bisa ketemu dy..

lepas dan plong:

karena bisa melontarkan segala yang ada di otak dan hati gw..

karena dia pun juga bisa melontarkan segala yang ada di otak dan hatinya (berdasarkan kesotoyan gw)..

bersalah:

karena hal aneh yang gw rasakan (walaupun seharusnya gw nggak perlu merasakan hal macam itu)

egois:

karena (lagi2) hal aneh yang gw rasakan (walaupun seharusnya gw nggak perlu merasakan hal macam itu)

termangu:

karena hal2 yang selama ini cuma diprediksi menjadi nyata di telinga..

deg2an:

yang ini gw nggak tau kenapa bisa bgtu..

dan bonyok juga nggak banyak komentar apa2 ttg pergi siang-pulang malamnya gw..

(how blessed I am..!)

well..

its kinda great having a start of my 'holiday' with him 3 days continuously..

and I think this 'holiday' gonna be fantastic coz tomorrow I'll have a lovely schedule of watching movies with peni and having dinner with melinda..and the next day I (maybe) gonna have my favorite and never boring time with my beloved twins, che2..

really really really miss u all guys..!! very excited with the 'holiday' and wish it never ends..

-aRee-

hufff...

how do you feel if:

you are in a very-close-3-members-friendship and two of them have already had their boy while you are still single..?

me..??

Happy..?? For sure..

coz their happiness means mine..

coz looking at their smile also makes me smile..

Lonely..?? Yeapp..

coz they gonna spend their dinner and their weekend with their boy..not with me..

coz they gonna spend their time texting their boy,, not me..

Sad..?? umm..yup..

coz you should share their attention and affection with their boy..

coz they won't need my extra attention (coz sum1 has already replaced me)..

Then,, I should adapt myself to the changing situation..

I should stop asking 'what and where and how we gonna spend this weekend..?'

coz it will make them confuse to answer (coz maybe this weekend they already have their own plan with their boy..) and I'll feel sorry for their confusion..and I also don't want to make them feel sorry to me coz they gonna let me spend my weekend myself..

They gonna reduce the frequency of asking me 'what and where and how we gonna spend this weekend..?'

coz they gonna feel sorry knowing I gonna spend it alone while they gonna having fun with their boy..

And coz both parties (in-a-relationship party and single-party) feel sorry each other.. there wont be any question about 'what and where and how we gonna spend this weekend..?'

Sooo,, the conclusion is:

I should adapt myself..

There are sooo many things out there that can be done by myself..

Things that I couldn't enjoy coz I was not alone..

For example: reading books, watching movies/ tv programs, enjoying my room, etc.. (I haven't got any ideas actually..)

This gonna be a great chance of getting used to hitori-gurasi when I got my job later in Japan (If I can get one).. (that's why I like the drame 'o-hitorisama'.. I like the way she enjoys everything alone..and I want to be like her..)

It's somehow irritating,,

but I will make it FUN and ENJOYABLE, trust me..

-aRee-

When a GIRL is quiet...

millions of things are running in her mind.

When a GIRL is not arguing...

she is thinking deeply.

When a GIRL looks at u with eyes full of questions...

she is wondering how long you will be around.

When a GIRL answers ' I'm fine ' after a few seconds...

she is not at all fine.

When a GIRL stares at you...

she is wondering why you are lying.

When a GIRL lays on your chest...

she is wishing for you to be hers forever.

When a GIRL wants to see you everyday...

she wants to be pampered.

When a GIRL says ' I love you ' ...

she means it.

When a GIRL says ' I miss you ' ...

no one in this world can miss you more than that.

Life only comes around once,

make sure u spend it with the right person.

Find a guy

who calls you beautiful instead of hot.

who calls you back when you hang up on him.

who will stay awake just to watch you sleep.

Wait for the guy

who kisses your forehead.

Who wants to show you off to the world when you are in your sweats.

Who holds your hand in front of his friends.

Who is constantly reminding you of how much he cares about you and how lucky he is to have you.

Who turns to his friends and says,

' That's her!! '

--> got this through an e-mail from a very-friend of mine....

always soo touching no matters how many times I read through it..

Have I found that guy..?

maybe I will be able to answer it 'YES' with 100% confidence

only if it is possible for us..

berarti selanjutnya kalau mw cari pacar (atw suami?)

udah ada takerannya yak..

hahahaahha..

wahai para lelaki,,

tuh coba ya tulung diperhatikan,,

kalo udah yakin 100%, berarti kalian sudah lulus sensor...

hehehehe..

-aRee-

Sampah..!!

How would you feel if sum1 says to you 'ur opinion is important'

but that sum1 took step even before you say anything..?

I do really put myself up into it coz of ur words,

but what do you think I am..??

You say my opinion is important but in fact you don't need any of my words..

What a ........ you are..!!!!

How many times would you like to ruin my trust on you..?

How many times would you like to ruin my good will towards you..?

You do never appreciate me..

Sampah..!!

-aRee-