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Kesal - Marah - Kecewa

Jerit - Tangis - Luka

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Semua unjuk rasa tidak mau kalah..

Ketika seseorang sedang berada di titik rendah roda kehidupan

dan ia tetap bisa berpikir positif..

is he a life treasurer..?

is it only a part of his self-denial..?

walaupun seandaianya ia hanya berusaha tampak kuat di depan mata umum,

but tonight I saw the true life treasurer in him..

semangat yah, dear my beloved 'matahari'..

coz we were - are - and will always support u.. :)

-aRee-

knowing that u' re happy -of course-

makes me happy..

but..

knowing that u're happy because of other's words

-that i had said before but seems like u didn't even remember it-

makes me sad..

is it because our story has been outdated..?

or

is it because of having a new exciting relationship..?

or

is it merely because i am too sensitive..?

or

................

well... whatever it is..

there is 1 thing for sure..

..it HURTS..

If u say 'memory would never disappear

unless someone gets insane',

then why do u want to remove 'that someone' out of ur head..?

doesn't it too contradict..?

This's the phase that I shouldn't be in..

I hate to be like this..

and really hope that I can go back soon to my reality..

My reality.. My world.. My Commitment..

Where I ask for nothing...

Where I do anything for pleasure..

Where I am oK whatever u do..

Where I put myself totally free..

Where I -generally- am objective..

Where I am not hoping -even a bit-..

This's the phase that I shouldn't be in..

Am I doing too far..?

Am I hoping..?

Am I denying myself too deep..?

Am I lying to myself..?

This's the phase that I shouldn't be in..

My heart takes little 'things' deeper..

I am unconsciously jealous..

It's sumthin that feels weird inside..

I enjoy everything that we do..

I can't lie to myself that I am happy..

but then.. until when will this be last for..?

(oh,, c'mon girl.. why do u take this seriously..?

no need to think that serious, right..?!

<--that's how they struggling inside..)

How bout u..?

Do u feel the same..?

Are u confronting with it too..?

or.. is this just silly me..?

This's the phase that I shouldn't be in..

How ridiculous I am..!

-aRee-

tengah malam buta (pagi buta?) bgini, why do I feel a bit mellow y..?

bingung where to start..

but I am missing him badly and deadly..

Feel like I am in a dream world.. and I don't wanna wake up..

ga pernah terpikir gw bisa ngerasa kayak bgini..

gw yakin banget perasaan itu udah gw kubur dalemm dalemm sedalem-dalemnya..

well,, dia muncul lagi skarang,,

dan gw nggak punya cukup keyakinan, komitmen, dan keberanian u/ melangkah lebih.. (pengecut kah..? terlalu idealis kah..? kapok kah..?)

ntah gimana, gw ngrasa nyaman dimintai tolong u/ nemenin dy..

waktu yang gw lewatin sama dia berasa cepat berlalu (padahal udah hitungan jam..)

jadi inget how the hug felt sooo comfortable..

pelukan yang last for only around 1 minute tapi bener2 bisa mencurahkan (setidaknya) perasaan kangenn gw ke dia..

i enjoyed every second of the hug..

coz i prepare myself if I lose him (again and again) for the next several years..

bingung sama perasaan sndiri,,

berada dalam peluknya..

ngrasa kangennnnn banget sama dia..

kayaknya udh gw keluarin rasa yang tertahan sesak di dada selama 3-4 taun belakangan ini.. (wew,, lama juga ya..)

jadi gw ini apa sebenernya semata2 cuma kangenn..

atw sebenernya masih ada rasa..?

-aRee-

baru aja gw menemukan suatu hal yang buat gw shock..!

baru pertama kali ada orang yang nge-delete gw dari friend-list FB.. (setau gw)

kenapa gw musti (sedikit banyak) kena getahnya..??

nggak yang direct,, nggak yang indirect,,

gw kehilangan 1 demi 1 teman gara2 masalah hati..?

oh my.. salah apa coba gw..??

is it wrong to have a feeling towards other..?

perasaan itu muncul tanpa diundang.. dan nggak tau juga kenapa perasaan itu masih tetap ada..

I know it is wrong for sure to still-go-for-a-relationship-that-sum1-does-not-really-really-really-into-it..

Kalau gw bisa punya kesempatan untuk ngomong sama orang itu,

mungkin gw akan bilang:

DIA SAYANG LU..

Lu pernah (dan bahkan skarang pun masih) jadi bagian di dalam hati dia..

Lu beda dari mantan2 dia yang sebelumnya..

Lu orang pertama yang menikmati pacaran layaknya orang pacaran sama dia..

Treasure it, please..

Bahkan gw pun belum pernah menikmati hal2 kayak gtu..

Betapa gw ngiri sama lu bisa melewati sebegitu panjang waktu sama dia..

Ditemenin secara langsung waktu lagi BT..

Ditemenin secara langsung sampe malem waktu lagi butuh org untuk nemenin.. Diperhatiin nggak boleh ini nggak boleh itu secara langsung..

Dipeluk dibelai diberi kasih sayang secara langsung..

Memang gw tau sangat menyakitkan buat lu untuk tau hal yang sebenarnya..

dan gw juga sadar banget dan tau banget kalo dia udah mengambil langkah yang SALAH..

gw tau banget perasaan lu karena gw pun pernah mengalami hal itu..

sakiiittt bangettt...

dan gw juga nggak bisa nuntut lu untuk segera balik normal..

karena hal itu nggak semudah ngomong atw ngebalik telapak tangan..

isn't it better to stop it now before it becomes more and more hurting..?

both of u get hurt..

stopping it does hurt..

but not stopping it won't get both of u any benefit too in the long term..

I believe u understand all of these well..

now it is the time accepting it and facing it..

believe that u are so strong to face this, coz u are..

u still have lots of fantastic friends beside u..

If ur love does not work with that person,

it just means that someone else loves u more..

If u already give ur best during ur relationship with him,,

then be brave to let him go,,

he won't forget u..

u'll always be inside his heart..

no one can replace ur part (even me)..

u'll be a sweet memory inside him..

When u give ur heart 100% to other people,

they surely can feel that 100% of heart even if they dont say a word;

and so does he..

I say all of these none of my ego and benefit..

So sorry if I become indirect reason of this..

I really don't mean it..

I really hope that we can be friend forever..

not limited by time, place or situation and condition..

Be Brave..

Let Time Heals it..

gw sungguh berharap everything get better soon..

jadi inget kata2 peni:

kenapa ya gw selalu punya banyak hen-na-kankei (arti: hubungan yang aneh)..?

karma di kehidupan yang lalu terlalu baik atw terlalu buruk..?

gw-ny kecentilan..? gw-ny kegatelan..? gw-ny terlalu jahat..? gw-ny nggak berperasaan..? gw-ny aneh..? gw-nya pelawak..? gw-ny.........?

anybody has any ideas/ opinions..?

-aRee-

hufff...

how do you feel if:

you are in a very-close-3-members-friendship and two of them have already had their boy while you are still single..?

me..??

Happy..?? For sure..

coz their happiness means mine..

coz looking at their smile also makes me smile..

Lonely..?? Yeapp..

coz they gonna spend their dinner and their weekend with their boy..not with me..

coz they gonna spend their time texting their boy,, not me..

Sad..?? umm..yup..

coz you should share their attention and affection with their boy..

coz they won't need my extra attention (coz sum1 has already replaced me)..

Then,, I should adapt myself to the changing situation..

I should stop asking 'what and where and how we gonna spend this weekend..?'

coz it will make them confuse to answer (coz maybe this weekend they already have their own plan with their boy..) and I'll feel sorry for their confusion..and I also don't want to make them feel sorry to me coz they gonna let me spend my weekend myself..

They gonna reduce the frequency of asking me 'what and where and how we gonna spend this weekend..?'

coz they gonna feel sorry knowing I gonna spend it alone while they gonna having fun with their boy..

And coz both parties (in-a-relationship party and single-party) feel sorry each other.. there wont be any question about 'what and where and how we gonna spend this weekend..?'

Sooo,, the conclusion is:

I should adapt myself..

There are sooo many things out there that can be done by myself..

Things that I couldn't enjoy coz I was not alone..

For example: reading books, watching movies/ tv programs, enjoying my room, etc.. (I haven't got any ideas actually..)

This gonna be a great chance of getting used to hitori-gurasi when I got my job later in Japan (If I can get one).. (that's why I like the drame 'o-hitorisama'.. I like the way she enjoys everything alone..and I want to be like her..)

It's somehow irritating,,

but I will make it FUN and ENJOYABLE, trust me..

-aRee-

Sampah..!!

How would you feel if sum1 says to you 'ur opinion is important'

but that sum1 took step even before you say anything..?

I do really put myself up into it coz of ur words,

but what do you think I am..??

You say my opinion is important but in fact you don't need any of my words..

What a ........ you are..!!!!

How many times would you like to ruin my trust on you..?

How many times would you like to ruin my good will towards you..?

You do never appreciate me..

Sampah..!!

-aRee-

Pernah nggak ada bagian2 dalam hidup lu yang:

pengen lu hapus;

nggak pengen lu inget2 lagi;

merasa lebih baik dikubur dalem2 sedalem2nya dan nggak usah muncul2 lagi..?

Setiap kali bagian2 itu muncul, hati lu secara tertusuk..

tertusuk dalam dan bertanda..

dan hal itu udah nggak bisa diapa2in..

udah nggak bisa lu apus dari sejarah hidup lu,,

nggak bisa lu pendem biar nggak usah muncul2 lagi,,

karena waktu bergulir untuk tak berulang kembali..

gw pernah,,

dan dalam 1 bulan ini, hal itu udah muncul 2x..

gw nggak pengen hal itu muncul lagi,,

gw pengen hal itu terpendam dalam2 dan jangan pernah muncul2 lagi,,

berusaha menghindar dari hal itu,,

tapi nggak bisa menghindar..

will this be forever..?

gw nggak tau apa yang harus gw lakukan,,

terlalu sulit untuk diputuskan,,

terlalu sulit untuk dijalani,,

pastinya bukanlah memory indah..

gelap.. bodoh.. dan terlanjur..

apakah karena gw belom bisa menerima dengan ikhlas..?

apakah karena gw merasa terlalu bodoh saat itu..?

apakah karena gw terlalu malu untuk hal itu diingat kembali..?

Hanya satu yang pasti:

SAYA TERGANGGU..!!

-aRee-

Hari yang mengesalkan

Hari ini hari yang mengesalkan...

dimulai dari ada kelas pagi (kelasnya Pak Kanai)...

udah agk berat ke sekolah --> bela2in bangun n ke sekolah (nggak ketinggalan bus pula) --> memaksakan diri terlibat dalam kegiatan kelas (disuruh kasih komentar ttg presentasi kemaren lah,, musti membentuk kelompok berdua2 n ngomong bla bla bla) yang membuat gw nggak bisa diem2 aja tapi musti mangap2 komentar sana/i...

period 2: pengen 'have my own time'...TAPI --> ada temen org negeri panda yang ngajak menghabiskan waktu bersama --> bingung mw ngapain --> akhirnya ke perpus u/ duduk2 n tidur n jam stg 12 pergi makan bareng ke shokudou... (padahal tadinya gw berencana mw ngerjain soal BJT yang perlu pake CD itu --> jadi mustahil karena: bagaimana mungkin gw meninggalkan teman gw yang mw menghabiskan waktu bersama itu..???)

dan here it comes hal yang PALING MENUSUK HATI (dan mungkin ini awal yang bener2 buat hari gw mengesalkan)....

--> selese makan di shokudou, pas jalan mw balikin tray, ngliat ada rombongan jojo-bonan-riki-citra- dedo lagi makan --> samperin mereka u/ say hello --> (bayangkan gw yang lagi nggak mud bela2in say hello) AND SI RIKI SIALAN NYOPOTIN TOPI GW..!!!!! oh my...!!! BETE BANGET..!! gw pake topi jelas2 karena gw ngrasa hari itu BAD HAIR DAY dan DIA SEENAKNYA COPOTIN TOPI GW DI TENGAH2 KERAMAIAN...???? WHAT THE ****...!!!! hebatnya gw nggak marah,,, gw cuma diem, taro tray gw sebentaran,, dan gw berusaha mengambil kembali topi gw,,, dan setelah gw berhasil memakai kembali topi gw dengan asal2an (ingin segera pergi dari situ)... si RIKI resek itu lagi2 NYOPOTIN TOPI GW dan hal ini berulang TIGA KALI..!!!! bagaimana mungkin gw NGGAK KEKI..??? THREE TIMES, mannnn...!!!! dan parahnya dy nggak sadar (mungkin semua org nggak sadar kali) kalo gw BT abis n mreka cuma ketawa2 bahkan ngeledekin gw apaanlah gtu,,, WHAT THE ****...!!! --> cepet2 gw tinggalin tu meja brengsek..!!!

period 3: kelas makan/minum teh...

--> masih BT sama kejadian di shokudou tadi --> gw LUPA BAWA KAOS KAKI PUTIH dan KUKU GW LAGI BERKUTEX WARNA ORANGE...!!!! --> keki sama diri sendiri --> pas lagi dapet waktu u/ berdiam diri sndiri... ada temen sesama org indonesia yang bertanya2 ttg JOB HUNTING... WELL,, I AM NOT IN THE MOOD... dan gaya bertanyanya seperti gaya MENODONG-nya ****..!!! I HATE THAT.. dan yang paling berpengaruh adalah karena gw LAGI MALES NGOMONG...!!!! alhasil gw ngomong males2an dan asal2an,,, (aduh, maaf ya, kawan yang kena getah...)

period 4: berhasil menenagkan diri dengan nongkrong bentar di wave sambil menikmati pemandangan lautan dan gunung sambil ditiup angin n dijemur matahari anget.. --> nggak berapa lama disamperin Fajar, pergi ke Career office --> temenin Fajar makan siang --> kembali nongkrong di wave...

period 5: bolos kelas Salazar, gw tetep nongkrong di wave sambil belajar BJT sambil ngantuk2... 16:15 PULANG...!!!

17:00 sampe di beppu eki --> ke misdo beli donat yang lagi 100yen --> sampe depan rumah --> DENG DENG... HERE IT COMES BETE SELANJUTNYA: KONCI RUMAH GW MASIH DI PENI DAN PENI LAGI DI KELAS SALAZAR..!!! arrrggghhhhhhhhh~~~~~~~~~!!!!!!!!!!!!!

ditelp nggak diangkat2 (walau memang sinyal susah sih gw tau,,) dan SI FAJAR JUGA DITELP NGGAK DIANGKAT, sms ke gw: AK DI KELAS... HEY MANNNN~~~~ GW TAU LU DI KELAS... BUT I NEED UR HELP TO ASK PENI WHERE MY KEY IS..????? HELLOOOO~~~~???? KELUAR KELAS BENTAR NGGAK BISA...????

rencana gw mw pulang u/ menenangkan diri dan mulai belajar RUNYAMMMM...!!!!!!!

jadilah gw dengan menghela napas pergi ke B-passage, makan takoyaki n minum cola zero...sambil isi2 on-campus-recruiting form and belajar BJT,, lumayan juga belajar BJTnya...

waktu menunjukan pk 18:40 --> cabz dari B-passage --> liat2 toko deket B- passage --> jam 18:50an gw pulang... gw memperkirakan udah bakal ada orang dengan kunci rumah gw di sekitar rumah gw,,, dan pas gw sampe depan rumah: I DIDN'T FIND ANYONE WITH MY KEY..!!!! LAGI2 GW ELUS2 DADA.... tarik napas bbrp kali,,,meredam kekesalan,,,dan gw berdiri aja sambil merem di depan pintu rumah sampe si Fajar datang bawa kunci rumah gw...

sampe sekarang gw masih males banget ngomong,,,

nggak ada tenaga u/ ngomong...

hari ini TERLALU MENGESALKAN buat gw...

shhhh,,,

-aRee-

settled

well apapun yg terjadi, gw tau lu ga ada nyerahnya ar, soal krisis pede dan krisis jati diri mah ibarat kerikil di jalan idup loe haha

elu gitu loh, seberapa berubah2nya orang pasti sifat akarnya gag ilang

delusion membantu orang lebih maju, it eliminates your fear at times, but it fakes yourself most of the time

ar, for there is a way for everything

jadi no matter how bad life is, pasti ada jalan keluarnya

iyah lo keras

gag gampang ketabrak kanan kiri

kokoh kyk colossus

iyah dr dulu tuh gw demen bgt mental lu yg "I LIVE MY LIFE SERIOUSLY"

no doubt lah lu jg one day two days pasti mo give up, tapi gag tau nape ye lu thu yg di atas bgt menurut gw

visi lo jelas, misi lu ada

not many woman have the mentality to be the leader

iya dr dulu sampe sekarang 1 cerita yg selalu gw share ke orang lain

ini gw gag melebih2kan dan gag sok mendramatisir yah, gini2

gw selalu bilang ke orang, di balik pria2 besar, pasti ada wanita yang lebih besar, dan dulu gw pernah punya wanita itu

gag akan ada gw yg gini tanpa dia

dan gw rasa, siapapun yg nantinya bisa nangkep hati lu, pasti bakal jadi pria besar

never a slight second i doubt this thought, cuz you were and you are bigger than all the girls i knew and i know

-thanks to a guy who unconsciously settles me down tonight-

Tiba Waktunya

tiba waktunya kubangun

berdiri tegas dan berani

menyambut hadirnya

yang enggan kusambut

di satu sisi kuingin milikinya

tapi

terlalu pengecut diri ini tuk hadapinya

sudah kunanti-nanti dirinya

semenjak ku mulai mengenal dirinya

satu tahun yang lalu

sudah ku melangkah lebih

tuk kenal dirinya lebih

satu tahun yang lalu

berbagai cara ku tempuh

saat mereka nikmati angin sepoi

ku nikmati mahligai

tapi

tetap saja

terlalu pengecut diri ini tuk hadapinya

aku tak siap

dan mungkin

tak kan pernah siap

sampai waktu memaksaku tuk bersiap

-aRee-

Wanna...

wanna go to driving school here to get driving license

(which costs 250,000 yen = 2500 USD)

wanna shop

without looking at the price

wanna travel to

London, Italy, Vatican, Barcelona,

India, Jerusalem, Australia, Mongolia,

Vietnam, Prague, Korea, Kenya,

South Africa, Srilanka, Germany, France

all Indonesia's islands, all Provinces of Japan...

in conclusion:

need lots of money...!!

-aRee-

ah yahh,,,

I'm waiting for:

3GS white color iPhone...

yeayyy~~~!!!

(hmmm,, I hope I can manage it

by not terminating the 26 months contract

which means

I have to stay in Japan

for at least another 26 months

while I will finish my undergraduate in 12 months

which means

another 14 months of working here after graduating

which means

have to get job-offer...!!)

-aRee-