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Menyakitkan..

Semua perasaan demo besar-besaran..

Kesal - Marah - Kecewa

Jerit - Tangis - Luka

Teriris - Tersayat - Lunglai

Semua unjuk rasa tidak mau kalah..

Ketika seseorang sedang berada di titik rendah roda kehidupan

dan ia tetap bisa berpikir positif..

is he a life treasurer..?

is it only a part of his self-denial..?

walaupun seandaianya ia hanya berusaha tampak kuat di depan mata umum,

but tonight I saw the true life treasurer in him..

semangat yah, dear my beloved 'matahari'..

coz we were - are - and will always support u.. :)

-aRee-

knowing that u' re happy -of course-

makes me happy..

but..

knowing that u're happy because of other's words

-that i had said before but seems like u didn't even remember it-

makes me sad..

is it because our story has been outdated..?

or

is it because of having a new exciting relationship..?

or

is it merely because i am too sensitive..?

or

................

well... whatever it is..

there is 1 thing for sure..

..it HURTS..

If u say 'memory would never disappear

unless someone gets insane',

then why do u want to remove 'that someone' out of ur head..?

doesn't it too contradict..?

This's the phase that I shouldn't be in..

I hate to be like this..

and really hope that I can go back soon to my reality..

My reality.. My world.. My Commitment..

Where I ask for nothing...

Where I do anything for pleasure..

Where I am oK whatever u do..

Where I put myself totally free..

Where I -generally- am objective..

Where I am not hoping -even a bit-..

This's the phase that I shouldn't be in..

Am I doing too far..?

Am I hoping..?

Am I denying myself too deep..?

Am I lying to myself..?

This's the phase that I shouldn't be in..

My heart takes little 'things' deeper..

I am unconsciously jealous..

It's sumthin that feels weird inside..

I enjoy everything that we do..

I can't lie to myself that I am happy..

but then.. until when will this be last for..?

(oh,, c'mon girl.. why do u take this seriously..?

no need to think that serious, right..?!

<--that's how they struggling inside..)

How bout u..?

Do u feel the same..?

Are u confronting with it too..?

or.. is this just silly me..?

This's the phase that I shouldn't be in..

How ridiculous I am..!

-aRee-

tengah malam buta (pagi buta?) bgini, why do I feel a bit mellow y..?

bingung where to start..

but I am missing him badly and deadly..

Feel like I am in a dream world.. and I don't wanna wake up..

ga pernah terpikir gw bisa ngerasa kayak bgini..

gw yakin banget perasaan itu udah gw kubur dalemm dalemm sedalem-dalemnya..

well,, dia muncul lagi skarang,,

dan gw nggak punya cukup keyakinan, komitmen, dan keberanian u/ melangkah lebih.. (pengecut kah..? terlalu idealis kah..? kapok kah..?)

ntah gimana, gw ngrasa nyaman dimintai tolong u/ nemenin dy..

waktu yang gw lewatin sama dia berasa cepat berlalu (padahal udah hitungan jam..)

jadi inget how the hug felt sooo comfortable..

pelukan yang last for only around 1 minute tapi bener2 bisa mencurahkan (setidaknya) perasaan kangenn gw ke dia..

i enjoyed every second of the hug..

coz i prepare myself if I lose him (again and again) for the next several years..

bingung sama perasaan sndiri,,

berada dalam peluknya..

ngrasa kangennnnn banget sama dia..

kayaknya udh gw keluarin rasa yang tertahan sesak di dada selama 3-4 taun belakangan ini.. (wew,, lama juga ya..)

jadi gw ini apa sebenernya semata2 cuma kangenn..

atw sebenernya masih ada rasa..?

-aRee-

baru aja gw menemukan suatu hal yang buat gw shock..!

baru pertama kali ada orang yang nge-delete gw dari friend-list FB.. (setau gw)

kenapa gw musti (sedikit banyak) kena getahnya..??

nggak yang direct,, nggak yang indirect,,

gw kehilangan 1 demi 1 teman gara2 masalah hati..?

oh my.. salah apa coba gw..??

is it wrong to have a feeling towards other..?

perasaan itu muncul tanpa diundang.. dan nggak tau juga kenapa perasaan itu masih tetap ada..

I know it is wrong for sure to still-go-for-a-relationship-that-sum1-does-not-really-really-really-into-it..

Kalau gw bisa punya kesempatan untuk ngomong sama orang itu,

mungkin gw akan bilang:

DIA SAYANG LU..

Lu pernah (dan bahkan skarang pun masih) jadi bagian di dalam hati dia..

Lu beda dari mantan2 dia yang sebelumnya..

Lu orang pertama yang menikmati pacaran layaknya orang pacaran sama dia..

Treasure it, please..

Bahkan gw pun belum pernah menikmati hal2 kayak gtu..

Betapa gw ngiri sama lu bisa melewati sebegitu panjang waktu sama dia..

Ditemenin secara langsung waktu lagi BT..

Ditemenin secara langsung sampe malem waktu lagi butuh org untuk nemenin.. Diperhatiin nggak boleh ini nggak boleh itu secara langsung..

Dipeluk dibelai diberi kasih sayang secara langsung..

Memang gw tau sangat menyakitkan buat lu untuk tau hal yang sebenarnya..

dan gw juga sadar banget dan tau banget kalo dia udah mengambil langkah yang SALAH..

gw tau banget perasaan lu karena gw pun pernah mengalami hal itu..

sakiiittt bangettt...

dan gw juga nggak bisa nuntut lu untuk segera balik normal..

karena hal itu nggak semudah ngomong atw ngebalik telapak tangan..

isn't it better to stop it now before it becomes more and more hurting..?

both of u get hurt..

stopping it does hurt..

but not stopping it won't get both of u any benefit too in the long term..

I believe u understand all of these well..

now it is the time accepting it and facing it..

believe that u are so strong to face this, coz u are..

u still have lots of fantastic friends beside u..

If ur love does not work with that person,

it just means that someone else loves u more..

If u already give ur best during ur relationship with him,,

then be brave to let him go,,

he won't forget u..

u'll always be inside his heart..

no one can replace ur part (even me)..

u'll be a sweet memory inside him..

When u give ur heart 100% to other people,

they surely can feel that 100% of heart even if they dont say a word;

and so does he..

I say all of these none of my ego and benefit..

So sorry if I become indirect reason of this..

I really don't mean it..

I really hope that we can be friend forever..

not limited by time, place or situation and condition..

Be Brave..

Let Time Heals it..

gw sungguh berharap everything get better soon..

jadi inget kata2 peni:

kenapa ya gw selalu punya banyak hen-na-kankei (arti: hubungan yang aneh)..?

karma di kehidupan yang lalu terlalu baik atw terlalu buruk..?

gw-ny kecentilan..? gw-ny kegatelan..? gw-ny terlalu jahat..? gw-ny nggak berperasaan..? gw-ny aneh..? gw-nya pelawak..? gw-ny.........?

anybody has any ideas/ opinions..?

-aRee-

Resolution for 2010

悔いの無い就職活動

Finish my up-coming thesis

Get a cum GPA of 3.5

Exercise more

(at least 20x of swimming --> an average of 2x/ month)

Be more sensitive

-aRee-

The Beginning of 2010

it's been 3 days since my 'holiday' in jakarta...

and it's been a total 3 days of spending time with him..

yang juga merupakan waktu yang (menurut gw) paling pol ketemuan..

abis biasanya sulit karena ini dan itu..

rasanya nano-nano..

senang dan bahagia:

karena bisa berjumpa..

karena bisa ber-chit-chat seenaknya dalam durasi yang cukup lama

karena bisa melakukan hal di atas directly..

sedih dan miris:

karena mendengar cerita dari dia yang buat gw ngerasa nggak enak banget (walau gw tau banget kalo nggak ada hubungannya ama gw..)

karena sadar ntah berapa lama lagi gw bisa ketemu dy..

lepas dan plong:

karena bisa melontarkan segala yang ada di otak dan hati gw..

karena dia pun juga bisa melontarkan segala yang ada di otak dan hatinya (berdasarkan kesotoyan gw)..

bersalah:

karena hal aneh yang gw rasakan (walaupun seharusnya gw nggak perlu merasakan hal macam itu)

egois:

karena (lagi2) hal aneh yang gw rasakan (walaupun seharusnya gw nggak perlu merasakan hal macam itu)

termangu:

karena hal2 yang selama ini cuma diprediksi menjadi nyata di telinga..

deg2an:

yang ini gw nggak tau kenapa bisa bgtu..

dan bonyok juga nggak banyak komentar apa2 ttg pergi siang-pulang malamnya gw..

(how blessed I am..!)

well..

its kinda great having a start of my 'holiday' with him 3 days continuously..

and I think this 'holiday' gonna be fantastic coz tomorrow I'll have a lovely schedule of watching movies with peni and having dinner with melinda..and the next day I (maybe) gonna have my favorite and never boring time with my beloved twins, che2..

really really really miss u all guys..!! very excited with the 'holiday' and wish it never ends..

-aRee-